Scope this: Your horrorscope for the new millenium
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
You can expect to spend the next year tooling around in your
autogyro, weaving between the mile-high skyscrapers and gazing
down at the forty-lane highways. Enjoy the chrome!
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Don't think about the past. Toothpaste, cable, and hospitals
are history, and the sooner you forget them, the happier you'll
be. Stick to primitive concerns like avoiding feral dogs and
keeping the fire going.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
The rapidly expanding gap between the rich and poor should leave
Gemini in the catbird seat. What with the ready availability
of organ transplants, you can count on ending the year younger
then you were at the beginning.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
What were you thinking? Computer chips in your brain, a supplemental
nervous system made out of high-temperature superconductors,
Feynman machines patrolling your bloodstream-why do you think
refrigerator magnets stick to you?
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
The Pre-Cambrian invasion took all of us by surprise, but
Leos should feel strangely at home in the new hunt-or-be-hunted
world we live in. Whether in the algae forests or the crystal
cities of the Burgess people, a lion is a lion.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This is your year to kick back and relax. This shouldn't
be hard since everyone was packed into plastic cells filled with
oxygen conducting fluorocarbon gel and wired into the Motherboard.
Check your e-mail. Often.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You lost your music collection when that petroleum eating
lichen got loose, only to replace it with a canary that's smarter
then you are. That weird rice smut took out most of the worlds
grain supply, and they find out you can eat the lichen. Balance,
Libra, Balance.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Black leather and stainless steel, gunsmoke and fast cars,
casual death and casual sex-the end of civilization is the party
Scorpio has always been waiting for. You may not live long, but
you'll live hard.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Rough times, Sagittarius. First the military seizes control
of the government, and then it loses control of a mess of exotic
biological weapons. Jerks prove immune to the worst of the new
plagues, providing the new government with grassroots support.
Your cot at the work camp collapses three, four times a night.
Radio is worse then ever.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Be prepared to make a quantum leap off the cutting edge of
the new wave of the state of the art. Pack a lunch.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb.18)
It's so much nicer down here since they moved all industry
into near space, and the orbital towers scattered along the equator
make it possible to go up and down without disturbing the ozone.
Life extension and intelligence enhancement are getting better
all the time. And you just got your automation dividend check!
PISCES (Feb 19-March 20)
Everyone's dead but you, and it's all you hoped it would
be. You own everything, and I mean everything. You can blast
the Ramones at three in the morning. You can break windows all
day. You can park in San Francisco. Enjoy!
Copyright
© 2000 by Las Positas College Express