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Made in Canada—eh?
By Doris Lang-Johnson
In an ever-increasing effort to expand your knowledge of geography and culture, and because I couldn't think of anything else to write a-boot, today's commentary is a-boot Canada. Being Canadian, I feel that I am your best resource for all the true facts about our friendly neighbor, The Great White North. Besides, no one else will tell you this stuff.
CANADA,THE 51st STATE
Canadians love Americans. In fact, many of them want to be American and will fly the American flag instead of their own in their backyards. These people know something the rest of the country does not. There have been rumors of war between Canada and the U.S. The Canadian Regal United Defense program or C.R.U.D. currently has one 17-foot war-ship and 10 boxes of ammo in their warehouses and on the ready. Troops have been called in from retirement and are on alert. The outcome of such a war would be obvious, so those American-flag-flying Canadians feel no shame in welcoming the enemy with open arms and a cold beer.THE BEER
Beer is the staple of the Canadian diet. Unfortunately, you can only buy beer at licensed "Beer Stores," which are open 8-10 p.m. every fifth Friday of the month. Planning activities around beer store hours is a necessity in the Canadian life style. When placing your order at a Beer Store, you need to know the terminology, so that you fit in. "Gimme a two-four of X, eh," is the proper way to ask for a case of Molson Export.There are two major brewing companies that you should know about—Molson and Labatts. Canada's last major civil war occurred in 1884 between these two rebellious factions. This unsuccessful two-party system, and an overpopulation of moose, led to the development of a third party-Moose Head Beer, which is pretty tasty considering the major ingredient.
THE CLOTHING
A toque is really all you need to know about clothing in Canada. They are those woolen caps that everyone looks stupid wearing, but since everyone suffers from snow blindness, you can wear one without worrying about how stupid you look.LA PROVINCE QUEBEC
This is the province where everyone speaks French, and even though they know English, the Quebecois will pretend they don't, which makes it impossible to get directions. They don't like the English-speaking provinces and want to be by themselves. This could happen if they get the majority of the vote to split from the rest of Canada after the next federal election. At that time, the country would split in two and the French-speaking provinces would drift somewhere out in the Atlantic on their own.THE SPORTS
In order to get the most use of the vast expanses of ice sheets in the country, the game of hockey was invented. A law in Canada states that every son must be proficient on skates by the time he is 3. The law also states that every "hockey mom" must have in her vocabulary, at least 113 ways of saying "_ _ _ _ YOU, REF!"Canadian football has been extinct for the past 40 years; what has been televised is reruns. Everyone, including the players, preferred American football.
THE MONEY
Canada got rid of paper one's and two's and replaced them with heavy coins. The one-dollar coins are called "Loonies" and the two-dollar coins are called "Two-nies." The reason for the change in currency was because strong north winds were lifting people off the ground and dropping them in Quebec. These poor English-speaking people had no luck getting directions and could not get back home. By weighing down their pockets with coins, an overpopulation crisis in Quebec was averted.
THE HOLIDAY
Be aware of certain holidays when planning a trip to Canada because the entire country will shut down on these days.
Mountie Appreciation Day: every Dec. 20, when school children hold hands and gather around a statue of Dudley Dooright, a national hero.Thanksgiving: different than the U.S. not only because it occurs in October, but also because the Canadian goose is stuffed and eaten, rather than turkey.
UFO Awareness Month: occurs when their families and their coolers of two-fours, and take to their backyards to search the skies for UFOs. Canada has held the record in sightings for the past 20 years.
THE WEATHER
Contrary to popular belief, Canada is not always cold. A warm spell of 23 Celsius occurs every July 15th to 20th.WEIGHTS AND MEASURES
Canada has followed the lead of other countries in adopting the metric system. The conversion is quite simple: just double any given number and add 30. For example, if a posted speed limit is 45 kilometers, double it and add 30: 120 miles per hour! Your ideal weight of 130 pounds is now a whopping 290 kilograms. You drank 15 Bud Lights last night? That's 60 Molson's in Canada!THE WOMEN
Not a silent bunch, feminists in the province of Ontario stood up recently for what they felt was right, brought the Parliament to its knees with their sad plight and strong stance, and the country gave in. The subject was not merely abortion, equality, or other equally simplistic women's rights issues. These women had something to get off their chests—their clothes! Yes, as women in Canada, we can now feel the freedom of driving, dining out, shopping, or picking up the kids while topless. Regardless of your droop factor, you can no longer be arrested for indecency! Thomas Ingrate, a 22-year old student, had this to say while visiting Queen's Beach on a recent Mother's Day picnic, "Is this gross or what—eh? These are all 50-year-olds! It's disgusting and they should put their shirts back on. I hate this stupid law."And there you have it, myths dispelled, the whole truth, and the dark secrets no one wanted you to know. I hope you've enjoyed this travelogue to Canada-one of my favorite places. You'll find that Canadians have a pretty easy time laughing at themselves, and we are a laughable bunch—eh?
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